by Scott A. Williams
Where the hell are you, Tommy? The sun’s been up a while already. If you oversleep again I’m going to pee all over the floor. Wait – sounds like there’s movement upstairs. Out of bed, Tommy. That’s a good boy. Let’s get you walking around up there. Don’t drag your feet, Tommy. Oh, I hate it when you drag your feet. It’s that woman. I know you were with that woman again last night. Every time you go see that woman you drag your feet the next morning and it’s all I can do to get you down to the park.
All I can say is you better not stop at the end of the street. You know how I hate that. Really, Tommy, how can you expect me to take care of business in front of all those people driving by? I’ve got my pride, you know. You even close the door when there’s nobody home but me, but you expect me to answer the call of nature in front of half the commuters in the city. Well, I don’t care how tired you are; we’re going to the park this morning. I need exercise.
Ahhh – there’s the whoosh from the bathroom. Get your sneakers on and let’s get the show on the road. Come on, already, Tommy. You don’t want a mess on the carpet, do you? Last time that happened you were pretty upset, as I remember. It wasn’t my fault you stayed out all night with that woman and didn’t even let me out when you got home.
Finally! Walk down those stairs, Tommy old boy. Look – my tail is in high gear! OK, the leash is, uh – where’d you put the leash last night, Tommy? Let’s see – you took it off me in the kitchen, remember? Wait here, I’ll go get it. I’m sure you forgot all about last night. Man, you smelled like a perfume factory when you got home. Yup, there it is. I don’t know how you can stand that smell. Here you go, Tommy. S-s-sniff. Whoooeee! You still stink! No licks until after you take a shower.
Come on, put the leash on. Time’s a wasting. Why didn’t God give me fingers? Underneath, Tommy. The loop is underneath. Yes, it’s under all that long fur. When are you going to take me in for a haircut, anyway? What ever happened to getting clipped every two months? I like that lady who cuts my hair. She gives me Milk Bones. Why don’t you go out with her? She smells good. There, you got it. Let’s go already!
Yes! What a morning! Take a deep breath, Tommy. Makes you glad to be alive. We’re taking a cruise down to the park, OK? OK! Hold it, Tommy. I want to stop at the hydrant first. Hmmm. I guess Prince and Spot got here before me. We’re last out again this morning, Thomas. Wait – wait – wait – OK, let’s go.
So what is it you like about that woman, anyway? I’ve smelled her a few times myself. She’s a cat person. Don’t tell me you’re crazy over someone who houses a cat. No cats, Tommy. They leave too much hair around. Those litter boxes stink, too. I sure hope you don’t believe that crap she tells you about how cats are independent. They’re stupid, just like the people who keep them.
Like this woman, Tommy. She won’t feed me from the table, she doesn’t take walks, she refuses to scratch behind my ears and she sits so close to you that you don’t keep me company. What’s she got that I haven’t got? Right turn, Tommy. Let’s not miss the park. Come on, boy – right turn! Park, Tommy! Park! Do you think I choke myself like this because it feels good? I want to go to the park. Please! Yeah! Tommy, my man.
Back over there, beyond those bushes. Nice and private. I won’t be long, just have to find exactly the right location. Hmmm. Ideal. Wait – ahhh. All right, let’s get some exercise. You can take the leash off here. Thanks.
I’m ready! Give it a good long throw, Tommy. Tommy? Did you forget the Frisbee again? You did, didn’t you? After work, Tommy. Promise me we’ll play Frisbee after work. And don’t bring her along. I can only take so much of her whining about the way I slobber on the Frisbee. What the hell does she expect? I can’t very well bring it back in my paws, now can I? I’d like to see her catch a Frisbee in her mouth.
Hey, there’s Spot! Looks like he brought Dave with him. This way, Tommy. Yo, Spot! What’s up, there, my polka dotted buddy? Tommy’s running late this morning; we’ll have to keep the formalities brief. You smell like you’re feeling well. Yeah, I know, the hair’s getting awfully long, but lover boy here seems to have put me on hold since he’s been seeing this woman. I think I may have to chew up her shoes or something if Tommy doesn’t find her a good home. Ha!
And get this, Spot – she’s a cat person! It’s the same thing as with you and Dave’s ex. She sure was a pain, wasn’t she? How many weekends did you spend in the kennel because she wouldn’t take you along? Too many. Yeah, that’s right, Spot, you had Dave first. Well, you’ve still got him and now she’s gone. You never did tell me how you got rid of her. Jumped on her Mercedes? You didn’t! Any good scratches? Yeah? And you drooled on her leather interior? Spot, you’re a genius.
I’m starting to wonder about ol’ Thomas here. He spends entirely too much time with this woman. Do you believe it – he forget the Frisbee again this morning. I’m going to try to get him back here after work. See what you can do with Dave. Well, here’s the leash. Easy, Tommy – you trying to pull my neck off? OK, see you later, Spot.
Where to, Thomas? Hey, can we go down by the pond? I wanna chase the ducks. What do you say? Left turn, Tommy. Left turn! We missed the pond trail. Hey, are you still sore over how all those ducks bolted when I barked at them the other day? It was pretty funny how they all flew straight at you. Man in park strafed by flock of ducks. Film at 11:00. Hey, I like to chase ducks. I can’t help myself. Look at me, Tommy. Long ears, long nose, long hair, excessive energy. I’m a spaniel. Chasing birds is in the job description, pal.
Where are we going, anyway? How about a quick sprint over to the benches, then we’ll sit in the sun for a while, have a little heart-to-heart. Ready, GO! Faster, Tommy, faster. Say, you’ve got more speed than I figured you’d have after that slow start you had this morning. Come on, full speed. This is a trot, Tommy. Pump those legs. You better face it, you’ll never be as fast as I am – I’ve got twice the legs, my man. That was pretty good, though. Here we are, an empty bench. Have a seat.
How’s about a little scratch behind the ears? Right, ooooh, yeah. That’s nice, Tommy. A little to the left. Mmmmmmm. Now why can’t you get that woman to do the same thing? I’d have a whole lot less trouble with her if she treated me with a little respect. After all, I had you first. What do you see in her, anyway? She never listens to what you tell her to do. She’s just like a cat – stupid. No wait, independent. Yeah, right. She doesn’t even smell good, Tommy. Come on, you’ll be late for work.
Let’s go home the back way. I wanna torment that French-poodle-excuse-for-a-dog in the basement apartment on Maple Street. Poodles. They’re almost as stupid as cats. Listen, Tommy, if you smarten up and dump this cat woman, don’t figure on finding one with a poodle to replace her. It’s no improvement.
Listen, what say we take the Frisbee to the park after work? I’ll make some killer catches and attract an audience. We’ll hook you up with a nice woman with no pets. I’ll lay on the canine charm and you make a date for the three of us. Good game plan? Great. Grrrrrrr! Hey, Frenchie – come and get me! Ooooh! You’re so vicious. Save me, Tommy, save me! No better than cats, I tell you.
Hold it, Tommy, hydrant. Wait – wait – wait – OK. Can we jog the last block home? I’m gonna be inside all day, you know. Thanks.
Hey, who’s that parked in the drive? Sniff. Youza! It’s that woman; I can smell her from here. What the hell is she doing here this early in the morning? Wow, she’s pissed, Tommy. What is she screaming about? Commitment? Well, of course he loves his dog more than he loves you, lady. Listen, sweetheart, I had him first.
Hey, look. I don’t believe it. She’s got her cat in her car. Isn’t that a BMW? Man, I wouldn’t even let a cat ride in the trunk of a Fiat. Hmmm – how would ol’ Spot handle this? A good raging fit of barking would scare the cat, but good. Yeah – and then it could claw apart the inside of the car. It wouldn’t even look suspicious – I’m supposed to hate cats!
Start with a little growl. Show the teeth. Grrrrr. Just a little closer. Ooooh – the fuzz ball sees me now. Watch this, Tommy! Full volume!
Wow, look at that cat go! Cat claws sure are sharp. You know, lady, you really should have gotten that cat declawed. Just look at what it’s doing to your leather seats. Have you ever seen such behavior? Hold it – I wouldn’t go in there if I were you, lady. There’s no guessing what that cat will claw apart next.
My fault? How could it be my fault? That’s right, Tommy, you tell her. Yeah, dogs chase cats. It serves her right for putting a stupid cat in a $50,000 car. OK, he will forget about going to the movies tonight. Tell her to can any plans for the weekend, too. We’re not going to put up with any cat woman telling us what to do, are we Tommy? No way. Man, those BMWs can really burn rubber.
Well, come on, Tommy. You’ve got to get a shower and get going. Remember, Frisbee in the park after work, OK? Good boy, Tommy.
# # #